As Crosby, Stills and Nash once sang, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”. Or at least don’t complain about them. To me. In the grocery store, for god’s sake. I must have some tattoo on my forehead that screams “THERAPIST” because I can’t tell you how many times strangers standing in line at the grocery store have complained to me about their spouse, mother, neighbor, child, friend or anyone else that comes to mind. And really, what good does it do to complain about them to me? I don’t even know the person!! (nor do I want to, thank you very much). I was in the grocery store one day and this woman was behind me in line, and her whole cart was full of Slimfast. I didn’t look (I swear) but just happened to glance her way and she says to me “I bet you’re wondering why my cart is full of slimfast” (not). then she launches into this whole thing about how she had lost weight awhile ago with Slimfast, but lately her “a..h…” husband had told her she was looking a little pudgy, so she ran out and bought a whole cartload of Slimfast because she didn’t want to have to listen to this “a..h…” complain about her butt. Then she proceeded to tell me about what a clueless jerk he was. I’m left wondering, if he’s such a jerk, why does she care what he thinks of her bum? Scheesh. These days, with reality shows, People magazine etc, it seems as if it’s all up for grabs (no pun intended). We have become a bunch of relentless confessors to every problem we’ve ever had with anyone. Lets all just take a deep breath and consider what the heck we are doing.
Long ago, you probably loved/liked this person you so readily trash to anyone who will listen. At some point in time they charmed you, made you laugh, looked cute when they picked their teeth in public. Now, you find yourself taking shallow breaths and spending vast amounts of time trying to convince yourself and everyone else what a true idiot this person really is (if only you knew the real story!!). I have a few tips (not just for nails anymore) that may help you learn once again to ”love the one you’re with” .
#1. Just Don’t Share!! Unless you have something wonderful to say about the person, just don’t share. Pointing out someones elses shortcomings actually makes you look like a jerk , not them.
#2. Remember The Things You First Liked. At one point in time you appreciated this person. You liked that they were goofy, clumsy, kinda dumb (but in a good way). You loved it that your neighbor took an interest in your life and bothered to take your trash cans in so you didn’t have to do it in the dark when you got home from work. You appreciated your mothers’ opinion of your hair, boyfriend, clothes etc. . Try to remember how that felt before it became so annoying.
#3. What Goes Around, Comes Around. Remember they have similar memories of you, and may, in fact have become just as disillusioned as you are. Yeah, they might be standing in the grocery store this very minute “sharing” about you. How does that feel?
#4. Talk Directly To The Person You Have A Problem With. If you complain to everyone else, the person you are unhappy with CAN’T HEAR YOU! Unless you commit the most deadly sin of all, which is to complain about the person, right in front of them as if they weren’t there. Talk to the person you have the problem with. In private!
#5. Make “I” Statements. Remember, ”I feel that you are a jerk” is NOT a feeling, it is an opinion and should be owned as such. There is NO feeling called “that you”. Feelings are things like, angry, sad, happy, joyful, irritated.
#6. Remember Who You Are Talking About. There is really NO reason to trash the person who could very well be the other parent of your offspring (cats and dogs count!). Or your neighbor who you have to LIVE NEXT TO for maybe 30 years or so. I know, I know, they ARE annoying! but if you take a moment to look, really look at this person who you are somehow related to, you might discover that they are just doing the best they can, just like you are. If you can begin to appreciate the “other” with all the dings and bats that go with them, you may find the love that you felt so very long ago.
#7. Do Reality Checks. “The one you love” may no longer exist. They faded away when the first blush of hormones wore off. They may never have existed in the first place. I remember a relationship I was in where later I realized that I had totally made the person up in my head! They were nothing like the real person in front of me. This was my problem, not theirs. It’s important to ask yourself (and others), does this person REALLY like to read, hike, skydive etc.. How does this person talk about their mother, past relationships, bosses etc.? These things can give you clues as to the real person you are getting involved with. This can include the good things!!
#8. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener. Everyone has problems, issues (I love that word!), zits, hair growing out of somewhere. It’s true!! Really!
I guess the point of all of this is, most of the people we are involved with are flawed. If we spend our time looking for and pointing out the flaws, we aren’t paying attention to all the wonderful parts/intentions etc. that is available right in front of us. The person that “we love” may very well be the person we are “with”, hiding under our discontent.
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