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So, awhile ago someone wrote a book called “Who Moved My Cheese”, which, I think, was about change and the ability to respond and think outside the box. I never read it because all I could think about when I saw the title was “if someone moved my cheese, I’d kill them!!!” Who in their right mind would move my cheese? I mean I have to have my cheese at least daily, and usually several times a day. When I’m finished with my string cheese, I’m thinking about my extra sharp white Irish Cheddar that is waiting for me at lunchtime. Am I making myself clear? STEP AWAY FROM MY CHEESE!! (spoken like a true addict) Oh lordy.
OK, so this all led me to be thinking about how Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Wedding) responded to questions about her weight loss by saying she had broken up with cheese (circuitous I know). Lately, I’ve been thinking of doing the same thing (gasp) in my everlasting quest to shed these infernal pounds. But in doing so, it made me think of how really difficult it is to give up anything (or anyone) even when we know it’s the best. I mean, cheese tastes sooo good. I’ve been known to eat it at least 3 times a day (in many varieties too!!) And while cheese has a bazillion fat grams, clogs our arteries, and makes excess mucus (yuk), it can be utterly sublime. Just like people. I’m not talking about those people who we mutually hate, are completely over, can’t wait to dump. I’m talking about those people who, just like cheese, are seductive, compelling and downright YUMMY. BUT, are absolutely going to clog our emotional arteries. And who, when you think about it, are so delicious that you break out into a sweat when you think about NOT having that person. THAT’S what I’m talking about!! Oh scheesh, I’m breaking out in a sweat just thinking about this.
I’ve been there. Several times. Not lately, thank god!! But I remember. So how do we take care of ourselves when we are faced with a really difficult decision to choose ourselves over our compulsions? Here’s some tips:
#1. The Truth Will Set You Free: but first you have to tell yourself the truth. When I think about cheese, I know for a fact that, at this age in particular, I just can’t eat it like I used to. I have to face the facts. Cheese will contribute to inflammation of all kinds of things. Yes it does. I’ve read it. It’s true. In any relationship, the truth, if spoken with compassion, first to yourself, then to the other, will help you look at what is actually going on, as opposed to what you keep hoping is going on.
#2. Commitment: My dear friend Len Merson at http://www.chaosover.com (check out his website) once told me that if I wanted to be thin, I would be. I just hadn’t made the commitment yet. At first, I was a little affronted (as my granny used to say). But when I thought about it, he was absolutely right. I had (have) yet to make a total commitment to my health, weight management, and well-being. I am still bargaining. I am still living in “I’m not totally worth it” land. When I’m finally able to totally commit to my own well being, I will give up cheese, no matter what. Same with people. When I tell the truth to myself, and make myself important enough to commit to what’s best for me, I will be able to let go of whatever is holding me back.
#3: Courage: It is really hard to face being alone. It’s feels like nothing (or no one) will ever take the place of cheese (this person). Remember that the world is full of interesting things. Be adventurous!! Get support from people who love you and hold your best interest in their hearts.
#4: DON’T SLEEP WITH THEM AGAIN!!!!!!! nuff said.
#5: Repeat #4. I mean it!!!
#6: Try Other Things: I’ve been cooking a lot lately (I know, I know, scary!) and have discovered that there are a lot of interesting alternatives to cheese. Things that are creamy, rich, satisfying. It helps me grieve my loss. So go out and try new things, people (get your mind OUT of the gutter, that’s NOT what I mean!!). I hear you can meet a lot of interesting people sky diving!! Or book clubs. You catch my drift.
Breaking up with anything (anyone) can test us at our most basic fears and insecurities. But by being honest, putting our own best interest first, getting support, avoid being seduced and facing the world with courage, letting go of cheese can be a breeze!! Maybe.
As Crosby, Stills and Nash once sang, “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”. Or at least don’t complain about them. To me. In the grocery store, for god’s sake. I must have some tattoo on my forehead that screams “THERAPIST” because I can’t tell you how many times strangers standing in line at the grocery store have complained to me about their spouse, mother, neighbor, child, friend or anyone else that comes to mind. And really, what good does it do to complain about them to me? I don’t even know the person!! (nor do I want to, thank you very much). I was in the grocery store one day and this woman was behind me in line, and her whole cart was full of Slimfast. I didn’t look (I swear) but just happened to glance her way and she says to me “I bet you’re wondering why my cart is full of slimfast” (not). then she launches into this whole thing about how she had lost weight awhile ago with Slimfast, but lately her “a..h…” husband had told her she was looking a little pudgy, so she ran out and bought a whole cartload of Slimfast because she didn’t want to have to listen to this “a..h…” complain about her butt. Then she proceeded to tell me about what a clueless jerk he was. I’m left wondering, if he’s such a jerk, why does she care what he thinks of her bum? Scheesh. These days, with reality shows, People magazine etc, it seems as if it’s all up for grabs (no pun intended). We have become a bunch of relentless confessors to every problem we’ve ever had with anyone. Lets all just take a deep breath and consider what the heck we are doing.
Long ago, you probably loved/liked this person you so readily trash to anyone who will listen. At some point in time they charmed you, made you laugh, looked cute when they picked their teeth in public. Now, you find yourself taking shallow breaths and spending vast amounts of time trying to convince yourself and everyone else what a true idiot this person really is (if only you knew the real story!!). I have a few tips (not just for nails anymore) that may help you learn once again to ”love the one you’re with” .
#1. Just Don’t Share!! Unless you have something wonderful to say about the person, just don’t share. Pointing out someones elses shortcomings actually makes you look like a jerk , not them.
#2. Remember The Things You First Liked. At one point in time you appreciated this person. You liked that they were goofy, clumsy, kinda dumb (but in a good way). You loved it that your neighbor took an interest in your life and bothered to take your trash cans in so you didn’t have to do it in the dark when you got home from work. You appreciated your mothers’ opinion of your hair, boyfriend, clothes etc. . Try to remember how that felt before it became so annoying.
#3. What Goes Around, Comes Around. Remember they have similar memories of you, and may, in fact have become just as disillusioned as you are. Yeah, they might be standing in the grocery store this very minute “sharing” about you. How does that feel?
#4. Talk Directly To The Person You Have A Problem With. If you complain to everyone else, the person you are unhappy with CAN’T HEAR YOU! Unless you commit the most deadly sin of all, which is to complain about the person, right in front of them as if they weren’t there. Talk to the person you have the problem with. In private!
#5. Make “I” Statements. Remember, ”I feel that you are a jerk” is NOT a feeling, it is an opinion and should be owned as such. There is NO feeling called “that you”. Feelings are things like, angry, sad, happy, joyful, irritated.
#6. Remember Who You Are Talking About. There is really NO reason to trash the person who could very well be the other parent of your offspring (cats and dogs count!). Or your neighbor who you have to LIVE NEXT TO for maybe 30 years or so. I know, I know, they ARE annoying! but if you take a moment to look, really look at this person who you are somehow related to, you might discover that they are just doing the best they can, just like you are. If you can begin to appreciate the “other” with all the dings and bats that go with them, you may find the love that you felt so very long ago.
#7. Do Reality Checks. “The one you love” may no longer exist. They faded away when the first blush of hormones wore off. They may never have existed in the first place. I remember a relationship I was in where later I realized that I had totally made the person up in my head! They were nothing like the real person in front of me. This was my problem, not theirs. It’s important to ask yourself (and others), does this person REALLY like to read, hike, skydive etc.. How does this person talk about their mother, past relationships, bosses etc.? These things can give you clues as to the real person you are getting involved with. This can include the good things!!
#8. The Grass Isn’t Always Greener. Everyone has problems, issues (I love that word!), zits, hair growing out of somewhere. It’s true!! Really!
I guess the point of all of this is, most of the people we are involved with are flawed. If we spend our time looking for and pointing out the flaws, we aren’t paying attention to all the wonderful parts/intentions etc. that is available right in front of us. The person that “we love” may very well be the person we are “with”, hiding under our discontent.
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